2

distraction therapy

the brain does this amazing thing
where it keeps reminding you of your pain
even when youre done
even when it’s long over
even when youre laughing with friends
or trying to finish an assignment
i tell myself to get over you
but then i remember the way you would
lift me a little off the floor when you hugged me
i tell my friends i am happy now
even though i still see your face when youre not there
and i still remember your number
even though i try hard to forget
have you ever tried telling your brain NOT to do something?
it’s like the rebellious teenager that never learns
anyways i learned the other day about distraction therapy
it’s a pain management technique
so what i do is this
i jog up a hill
and at the same time i listen to my favourite comedian
and as im basically dying
i cant stop thinking about how loud my breathing is
how much my chest hurts
and how fucking funny this guy is even tho i cant laugh
and even though it’s not the most ideal situation ever
i know ill be alright

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0

counting

ive been counting down the days
till i stop missing you
i keep tricking myself into thinking im happier without you
but then it’s 11.38am and i remember the way your eyes looked when you were thinking
it’s 8.29pm and i remember the way you would rub your head when someone asked you a question
or im laughing with friends and i think of you
sitting alone with a beer in your hand watching basketall
or it’s 3 oclock on a saturday afternoon
and i picture you climbing the goat track
or it’s 4.44am and i remember watching you study
and i remember how tired your eyes looked
and how sometimes you just smelled of coffee
im not one to believe in superstitions
wishing on stars
or walking under ladders
but every time i see the clock strike 11:11
i find myself hoping
and praying you will find me again

1

sorry

there are days all i do is berate myself
tease my skin with knives
and let people tell me what i cannot do
there are days i will stare at myself in the mirror
and curse and pick at all my flaws
wish i were smarter
wish i were more organised
wish my hair were thicker
my hips wider
my arms thinner
wish i were more motivated
wish i were more like other girls
wish i loved myself
wish i were happier

some days it’s hard to keep my head above water
i find myself struggling with
loving myself
and hating the way i am
im so tired
of this constant internal war

this morning i woke up
i looked in the mirror
and i saw a sad lonely girl
this beautiful strong woman
who has survived and lived
after every goddanged thought
that she could not make it through another day

0

letters to God 5

Hello Mr. Creator,
it’s been a while

i think i say that every time i remember to talk to You

how do we always seem to drift apart like this?
i call on You
You call on me
somewhere along the line i just kept missing your calls
and i swear it wasnt on purpose
but i never did get around to calling You back
a text here or there maybe
and i know You still care
otherwise, what’s the point to it all right?

im wondering where to go from here
i want to keep our lines open
i want to keep talking to You
but somehow life always seems to get in the way

ok now im making excuses

how many times can i keep asking You to forgive me
before You wont want to anymore?
tell me please
because i dont want to be without You
i really dont

1

resignation

i know i was sad before but now i just miss you
the more i think of your face
the more i forget what you look like
how do you still do this to me?
yeah i hurt you but you hurt me too
i wish i could take back what i did
but i fucking cant
i just cant deal without you in my life
there’s just no point

you know
i listen to loud music just to drown out the sound of your voice
and your lips on my skin
i need the television on to fall asleep
because im afraid i will think myself into the morning wondering about you and me

writing always gave me closure
but the more i write of you
the more i ache for you
the more i want to keep writing about you
and keep writing for you
i guess it was always for you

god did i really love you so much?
i remember once
you told me
‘you dont know how to treat people who love you’
and i guess you were right all along

im sorry
im so fucking sorry

0

ashes

yesterday after lunch i thought
“wow. i havent thought about you since I woke up”
which made me think of you again
sometimes i hate myself

i still have some of your clothes
and sometimes i listen to your favourite songs
i dont know why i do
but i cant have you owning music
i dont want to feel you when i walk past our favourite places
i dont want to see your face when i think of our favourite things
maybe we have to experience this pain to be free
my god do i want to be free

i wrote a list of all the reasons why i loved you
and after writing it i cried for a long time
so i wrote a list of reasons of why i love myself
and it made me cry even more
i wrote a list of all “our” things
and i decided that i would give it back to the world

but most of the time i cry
and when im not crying i feel like crying
last week i burned the journal i had when i was with you
i thought it would help
as the paper curled and blackened in the flames
i promised myself this would be my last letter to you

3

residue

im happy for you
(what else is there to be?)
because im tired of this bitterness
this clawing in my gut
this heaviness i feel in my heart that only comes from loving someone
and there is nothing left to do but accept that youve gone away
and i realise now that i gave too much of myself to you
gave my body and mind to you so eagerly
i dont want to grow old with these regrets
that are already pulling my mouth into a frown
and creating pillows of sorrow under my eyes
i used to believe i was broken
and somehow you were my saviour
and maybe it was my fault for believing that
i am not broken
and i dont need fixing
but you did make my life so much more tolerable
and im not sorry because it was good while it lasted
its time to move on now
and if i cant take you from this experience then i take this:

i am not a half
and i dont need anyone to make me whole