distraction therapy

the brain does this amazing thing
where it keeps reminding you of your pain
even when youre done
even when it’s long over
even when youre laughing with friends
or trying to finish an assignment
i tell myself to get over you
but then i remember the way you would
lift me a little off the floor when you hugged me
i tell my friends i am happy now
even though i still see your face when youre not there
and i still remember your number
even though i try hard to forget
have you ever tried telling your brain NOT to do something?
it’s like the rebellious teenager that never learns
anyways i learned the other day about distraction therapy
it’s a pain management technique
so what i do is this
i jog up a hill
and at the same time i listen to my favourite comedian
and as im basically dying
i cant stop thinking about how loud my breathing is
how much my chest hurts
and how fucking funny this guy is even tho i cant laugh
and even though it’s not the most ideal situation ever
i know ill be alright


note to self

i imagine you in her arms and i have a tidal wave as a stomach
i just have to remember
that i knew happiness before i met you
and i will know happiness now that i have left you
it’s just
some nights i find myself missing you
and i fill this empty space in my bed
with thoughts of you
and the memory of your voice
like rock against gravel
seems to shatter the silence of the night
but then the ache subsides
and maybe it was because opposites attract
but in the end we werent so different after all
in the end
we bled each other dry
trying to believe what we had was love



you were the one who said we had nothing in common
but sometimes you dont realise how close you are to the fire
until youre burning
sometimes you teased my quiet, my brooding
you would say
why so seriousss?
and most of the time
i would just smile in return and shrug
you didnt know
how could you?
your parents loved each other
and never argued in front of you
but you made me laugh
god ive never laughed so hard
then youd say things like
youre the most beautiful woman in the world
and id just get mad at you
and that one time you told me
ill love you enough for the both of us
because you knew didnt you
i never wanted you to save me
and i never asked for you to stay
it was never my intention to hurt you
but still we both got burned by the flames


bartered and battered

i feel


and sometimes i fancy that there is someone out there
who just might find me.

but maybe im just lonely.

and that’s what i do
put up walls over an already fragile foundation.
i want to be loved but i dont want to show love.
dont you know that love is an exchange?

ive bartered my bones and my heart
just so that i might find love in myself
and now i have to start over for someone else?



ive been counting down the days
till i stop missing you
i keep tricking myself into thinking im happier without you
but then it’s 11.38am and i remember the way your eyes looked when you were thinking
it’s 8.29pm and i remember the way you would rub your head when someone asked you a question
or im laughing with friends and i think of you
sitting alone with a beer in your hand watching basketall
or it’s 3 oclock on a saturday afternoon
and i picture you climbing the goat track
or it’s 4.44am and i remember watching you study
and i remember how tired your eyes looked
and how sometimes you just smelled of coffee
im not one to believe in superstitions
wishing on stars
or walking under ladders
but every time i see the clock strike 11:11
i find myself hoping
and praying you will find me again



your arms were made for lonely girls like me who hate themselves
who hate other women
my mother was cheated on and maybe that’s why i hate men

i crumble into the palms of your hands when my name tumbles from your lips like a silent prayer of thanksgiving

i could never find love in your arms but i am addicted to this punishment
addicted to the taste of sin addicted to this melting feeling in my gut
addicted to this guilt dont i deserve love too?

the flick of your tongue sets my body on fire your hands are like water soothing on my skin

there are days i hide from you and that’s how i prove i love myself
but most nights i find i cant resist
most nights i find you in between my thighs moaning from a place of torn convictions and shredded dignities
where there is only a veil between love and lust

maybe my heart fell out of my chest and is lodged between my hips and your lips

being with you is bruising and im constantly plunging off this cliff
but your mouth is so tender filled with ache and need and sweet words and cheap thrills
and laced with intimacy

you heal me
in this ungodly way
you are my healer my salvation
i am wounded inside
and your body is my morphine i give in to you wholeheartedly

but before even morning comes you are gone
and i am lying alone with only your scent and a heart filled with guilt
and regret and promises i know i will break when i see you again
and i wonder if this is punishment enough…

knowing that
but you were not made for me

a cruel joke



yesterday after lunch i thought
“wow. i havent thought about you since I woke up”
which made me think of you again
sometimes i hate myself

i still have some of your clothes
and sometimes i listen to your favourite songs
i dont know why i do
but i cant have you owning music
i dont want to feel you when i walk past our favourite places
i dont want to see your face when i think of our favourite things
maybe we have to experience this pain to be free
my god do i want to be free

i wrote a list of all the reasons why i loved you
and after writing it i cried for a long time
so i wrote a list of reasons of why i love myself
and it made me cry even more
i wrote a list of all “our” things
and i decided that i would give it back to the world

but most of the time i cry
and when im not crying i feel like crying
last week i burned the journal i had when i was with you
i thought it would help
as the paper curled and blackened in the flames
i promised myself this would be my last letter to you