the brain does this amazing thing
where it keeps reminding you of your pain
even when youre done
even when it’s long over
even when youre laughing with friends
or trying to finish an assignment
i tell myself to get over you
but then i remember the way you would
lift me a little off the floor when you hugged me
i tell my friends i am happy now
even though i still see your face when youre not there
and i still remember your number
even though i try hard to forget
have you ever tried telling your brain NOT to do something?
it’s like the rebellious teenager that never learns
anyways i learned the other day about distraction therapy
it’s a pain management technique
so what i do is this
i jog up a hill
and at the same time i listen to my favourite comedian
and as im basically dying
i cant stop thinking about how loud my breathing is
how much my chest hurts
and how fucking funny this guy is even tho i cant laugh
and even though it’s not the most ideal situation ever
i know ill be alright
and sometimes i fancy that there is someone out there
who just might find me.
but maybe im just lonely.
and that’s what i do
put up walls over an already fragile foundation.
i want to be loved but i dont want to show love.
dont you know that love is an exchange?
ive bartered my bones and my heart
just so that i might find love in myself
and now i have to start over for someone else?
there are days all i do is berate myself
tease my skin with knives
and let people tell me what i cannot do
there are days i will stare at myself in the mirror
and curse and pick at all my flaws
wish i were smarter
wish i were more organised
wish my hair were thicker
my hips wider
my arms thinner
wish i were more motivated
wish i were more like other girls
wish i loved myself
wish i were happier
some days it’s hard to keep my head above water
i find myself struggling with
and hating the way i am
im so tired
of this constant internal war
this morning i woke up
i looked in the mirror
and i saw a sad lonely girl
this beautiful strong woman
who has survived and lived
after every goddanged thought
that she could not make it through another day
i was lonely and alone when i found you
or did you find me?
was my loneliness written on my face?
could you taste the desperation on my skin?
smell my yearning from miles away?
i am not lonely anymore
but i do find myself alone sometimes and im sorry
sometimes lonely people forget how to love
forget how to hold
forget how to smile
forget to say things like *i care about you*
forget to say *im sorry*
forget to ask you how your day has been
ive been living for myself a long time
and im afraid and scared that you will leave and i will be lonely again
lonely and alone again
and what am i supposed to do with all these feelings i could only ever have for you?
i wear you like my favourite tshirt
my skin is scented with your touch
my lips taste like you
my hands always seeking yours
last night you asked me if you were enough for me
and it broke my heart
my beautiful lonely man
i know I am afraid
but don’t you see how eager i am to mould for you?
if only life were a series of firsts
though i dont even remember the first time i met you
but i do remember the first time i noticed you
and i remember then walking the long way around just to catch a glimpse of you
the first time you made me laugh
and the first time i cried tears for you
the first time i stayed up all night thinking of what it might feel to hold you in my arms
i never felt more alive
and i never realised how fickle life and people could be
i never realised how fragile the human heart is
how easy it was to break
how easy this glass eye of mine could shatter into a million pieces
my heart, the strongest muscle of my body
weakening with your every touch, word, laugh
racing to beat along with yours
this heart of mine, that was never whole to begin with
my heart, painfully putting itself together
fragments trying to be whole again
i bleed every time i think of you
and now im left here
aching for you to make me whole again
make me feel like i can conquer the world again
and how can love be a good thing if it hurts so much?
the more i give the more i lose
so how can love make me whole again?
Most days I find ways to numb my sadness.
I plunge face first into menial tasks hoping I find whatever it is that I’m looking for.
I don’t know what I’m looking for, all I know is that I’m always searching.
I can’t find peace and maybe peace is the place between where You are and the place where I am.
Will you compromise, dearest God?
I’m not strong enough to make it all the way, so will you meet me halfway?
Cause I see you, I just don’t feel you.
And day by day I try my hardest to talk to You. But it’s hard.
And day by day I find myself further and further away from You.
And somehow every step away from You seems to make life less complicated.
And I hate it because I know You.
And You know my inside and my outside.
And I don’t want Us to end this way.
And I find myself listening to gospel music on Sundays
But it’s not enough to rekindle this fire in my soul.
i would say i am antisocial but antisocial has such a negative connotation to it
im antisocial in the way that i prefer my own company
(and how is that a bad thing if its not hurting anyone?)
but im not rude to people when i do have to interact
and why should i have to do things that make me feel uncomfortable and fake?
i make a lot of friends because i do generally like people
and im a polite person
i just find it extremely hard to maintain friendships and relationships
because i hate getting to know people
because that’s when they start to annoy me
when you get to know people you have to make compromises
you have to engage them, tolerate them, accept their faults
and let them see yours
and sometimes im pushed to change myself so that people will accept me
i feel things that i dont even believe in
and i hate that part of me
and the best me is the me when im alone
the best me is a slob who loves dancing and reading books, watching tv series and taking long walks and not going out clubbing and getting drunk and dressing however the hell i feel like which is basically a tee and shorts and most days i marvel at my self consciousness. like why do i feel the need to shell myself for people because im afraid that they will find me uncomfortable? find me strange? find me repulsive?
fuck a social norm i need to love myself.
because honestly? if not me then who?