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my hope for you

I only want the best for you
And i hope you will always work hard for what you believe you deserve
I hope that when doubt sneaks in through the window
That you will know all you have to do is chase it out the door with a bat and a teaspoon of hush
I hope you know that the only opinion that matters
Is yours
I hope that when you look in the mirror
That you remember all you see is a reflection of what you perceive
I hope you remember that sometimes your brain is your worst enemy
That sometimes it sees things that are not true
That it twists what you hear
And sometimes feels like something sinister
That at times the only enemy is yourself
And i hope that you are not afraid of that
I hope that youll be able to summon the strength of your shoulders
The courage of your dimples
The cunning of your eyelashes
The stealth of your feet
And the wit of your wrists
And i hope you know that you are always more than what people say you are
I hope you can enjoy the rain
Just as much as the sun
Beccause they work together for perfect harmony
I hope you will be able to appreciate that 5 minutes of quiet
Even if it is just before the alarm clock rings
Especially before that alarm clock rings
Cause some days that will be your only moment of peace
And i hope that life doesnt wipe that smile from your face
And i know it’s hard to believe it’s the same life that put it there
So i hope you have courage when you need it
And the strength to leave what needs to be left
And the wisdom to stay away
And the tolerance for things that cannot change
And i hope you remember that most things can change
I hope you know that you have a light in you
Even if it is only a flicker
Your flicker may be someone else’s lighthouse

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letter to my 19 year old shy and introverted self

hey lovely

so you have a crush? Lol and it’s killing you from the inside out. I mean, what’s the difference between this guy and every other weirdo you’ve fallen in lust with? I know it sucks babe. It sucks the fricking air out your lungs. And I know you tried so hard not to let this guy get to you. Cause he was one of the ones you always kind of thought was cute. but who cares about cute? There are worlds to be seen.

Continue reading

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insecurities

you were the one who said we had nothing in common
but sometimes you dont realise how close you are to the fire
until youre burning
sometimes you teased my quiet, my brooding
you would say
why so seriousss?
and most of the time
i would just smile in return and shrug
you didnt know
how could you?
your parents loved each other
and never argued in front of you
but you made me laugh
god ive never laughed so hard
then youd say things like
youre the most beautiful woman in the world
and id just get mad at you
and that one time you told me
ill love you enough for the both of us
because you knew didnt you
i never wanted you to save me
and i never asked for you to stay
it was never my intention to hurt you
but still we both got burned by the flames

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bartered and battered

i feel

lost.

and sometimes i fancy that there is someone out there
who just might find me.

but maybe im just lonely.

and that’s what i do
put up walls over an already fragile foundation.
i want to be loved but i dont want to show love.
dont you know that love is an exchange?

ive bartered my bones and my heart
just so that i might find love in myself
and now i have to start over for someone else?

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counting

ive been counting down the days
till i stop missing you
i keep tricking myself into thinking im happier without you
but then it’s 11.38am and i remember the way your eyes looked when you were thinking
it’s 8.29pm and i remember the way you would rub your head when someone asked you a question
or im laughing with friends and i think of you
sitting alone with a beer in your hand watching basketall
or it’s 3 oclock on a saturday afternoon
and i picture you climbing the goat track
or it’s 4.44am and i remember watching you study
and i remember how tired your eyes looked
and how sometimes you just smelled of coffee
im not one to believe in superstitions
wishing on stars
or walking under ladders
but every time i see the clock strike 11:11
i find myself hoping
and praying you will find me again

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resignation

i know i was sad before but now i just miss you
the more i think of your face
the more i forget what you look like
how do you still do this to me?
yeah i hurt you but you hurt me too
i wish i could take back what i did
but i fucking cant
i just cant deal without you in my life
there’s just no point

you know
i listen to loud music just to drown out the sound of your voice
and your lips on my skin
i need the television on to fall asleep
because im afraid i will think myself into the morning wondering about you and me

writing always gave me closure
but the more i write of you
the more i ache for you
the more i want to keep writing about you
and keep writing for you
i guess it was always for you

god did i really love you so much?
i remember once
you told me
‘you dont know how to treat people who love you’
and i guess you were right all along

im sorry
im so fucking sorry

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ashes

yesterday after lunch i thought
“wow. i havent thought about you since I woke up”
which made me think of you again
sometimes i hate myself

i still have some of your clothes
and sometimes i listen to your favourite songs
i dont know why i do
but i cant have you owning music
i dont want to feel you when i walk past our favourite places
i dont want to see your face when i think of our favourite things
maybe we have to experience this pain to be free
my god do i want to be free

i wrote a list of all the reasons why i loved you
and after writing it i cried for a long time
so i wrote a list of reasons of why i love myself
and it made me cry even more
i wrote a list of all “our” things
and i decided that i would give it back to the world

but most of the time i cry
and when im not crying i feel like crying
last week i burned the journal i had when i was with you
i thought it would help
as the paper curled and blackened in the flames
i promised myself this would be my last letter to you