there are days all i do is berate myself
tease my skin with knives
and let people tell me what i cannot do
there are days i will stare at myself in the mirror
and curse and pick at all my flaws
wish i were smarter
wish i were more organised
wish my hair were thicker
my hips wider
my arms thinner
wish i were more motivated
wish i were more like other girls
wish i loved myself
wish i were happier

some days it’s hard to keep my head above water
i find myself struggling with
loving myself
and hating the way i am
im so tired
of this constant internal war

this morning i woke up
i looked in the mirror
and i saw a sad lonely girl
this beautiful strong woman
who has survived and lived
after every goddanged thought
that she could not make it through another day



i remember when i told you
you thought long and hard
i thought it was the end of us
but you only smiled that smile
and said ‘ok’
one night we were alone in your car
and you touched my elbow with your fingers
and i looked into your brown eyes
and i melted in your hands
‘how are you still a virgin?’
you asked me this 3 times
the first time i was telling you a joke
that wasnt really funny at all
but i couldnt help but laugh anyway
the second time,
it was a tuesday morning
and i had just woken up next to you in your bed
the third time
we were watching lord of the rings in your living room
and eating nutella and strawberries
that was the last time you ever asked


day 23

i was lonely and alone when i found you
or did you find me?
was my loneliness written on my face?
could you taste the desperation on my skin?
smell my yearning from miles away?
i am not lonely anymore
but i do find myself alone sometimes and im sorry
sometimes lonely people forget how to love
forget how to hold
forget how to smile
forget to say things like *i care about you*
forget to say *im sorry*
forget to ask you how your day has been
ive been living for myself a long time
and im afraid and scared that you will leave and i will be lonely again
lonely and alone again
and what am i supposed to do with all these feelings i could only ever have for you?
i wear you like my favourite tshirt
my skin is scented with your touch
my lips taste like you
my hands always seeking yours
last night you asked me if you were enough for me
and it broke my heart
my beautiful lonely man
i know I am afraid
but don’t you see how eager i am to mould for you?


that moment in a relationship when you realise youre fucked

if only life were a series of firsts
though i dont even remember the first time i met you
but i do remember the first time i noticed you
and i remember then walking the long way around just to catch a glimpse of you
the first time you made me laugh
and the first time i cried tears for you
the first time i stayed up all night thinking of what it might feel to hold you in my arms
i never felt more alive
and i never realised how fickle life and people could be
i never realised how fragile the human heart is
how easy it was to break
how easy this glass eye of mine could shatter into a million pieces
my heart, the strongest muscle of my body
weakening with your every touch, word, laugh
racing to beat along with yours
this heart of mine, that was never whole to begin with
my heart, painfully putting itself together
fragments trying to be whole again
i bleed every time i think of you
and now im left here
aching for you to make me whole again
make me feel like i can conquer the world again
and how can love be a good thing if it hurts so much?
the more i give the more i lose
so how can love make me whole again?


an artsy kind of love

When I first laid eyes on you
I wrote a song
About the way your eyes light up
When you smile
How your eyes seem to crinkle
and your lips twitch
when you laugh
And how your laughter reverberated through my body
And I felt a warm feeling in my chest

When you first spoke to me
You said “Hey”
And I said
“I’m good”
I painted a portrait of the sun behind you
The way the colours red and yellow, orange
The way they blended into you
I painted the sea gulls that were being fed to your right
And the guy with the dreads playing his guitar
He was singing about love
Or trees maybe
I can’t remember

When you hugged me
I wrote a novel
About a girl and a boy
Who came from different tribes
And the tribes were at war
And of course they fell in love
When he saved her brother from his uncle’s sword
He lay unconscious in her arms
And there was a twist of some sort
But I haven’t finished it yet
So we just gotta wait and see

But the point of this poem is
I love you
I think
You inspire me
You move me
I want to just be with you
Like hang out, man
Chill with you
But also have amazing sex with you too
Okay, maybe I am moving a little too quickly
I like you
A lot a lot
So this one’s for you


Writing Our Love Story

I start at the conclusion
And make you love me
I weave metaphors like
I weave baskets fit for a king
I inch my way backwards
into the body of our story
And I forget what it is I want to write about
Our paper is choked with eraser marks
I sharpen my pencil again and again
Until all that’s left is broken
I skip ahead to the prologue instead
But I don’t know where to begin.

You are the love letter I never sent


A Love Letter

This is crazy. Do you remember those times when we were younger and we both swore that we would never fall in love? That we were going to just be badasses and travel the world and just spread the word of badassery-ness everywhere we went because that’s what we do? And that we promised that whoever fell in love first would have to buy the other a car? Well, it’s been about two weeks since I ordered you a car through Amazon and I think you might be getting it in the mail soon. Also I think I’m in love. (It’s a toy car please don’t get your hopes up).

I am in love. And I’m in love with you. Do you remember that day we actually argued about what love was? You said that there was no such thing as love. I asked you what you thought love was anyway and you said, “Fucking without a condom.” And I called you an idiot.
I wish I could tell you how wrong you were. And how much I think about you and how you make me feel so good inside and that after being with you even five minutes makes my day 110% better but you hate when I’m cheezy. I wish I could tell you that the only reason I sit through the endless hours of watching Doctor Who with you is not because I like it but because I like you (And also Matt Smith). But then you might get mad. And I wish I could tell you I hate going to your football matches because I’m a rugby union girl but you would probably be annoyed. And that one time you baked me brownies for my birthday because you knew they were my favourite cookies even though you got the date wrong. That night you told me I was the only one that “gets” you and the way you looked at me… I’m sorry I ran away, I didn’t actually have diarrhoea I was just nervous. I get butterflies just being near you and sometimes when you hug me longer than usual I think I’m about to black out.

And if some of that isn’t love then I really don’t know what is. But I can tell you that I care deeply for you. And when you’re gone I feel like a twin without a twin. Like a half without, you know, the other half. Like Matt Smith when Karen Gillan left (probably). And I don’t like travelling alone. And I shouldn’t be travelling alone. Because I want to be travelling with you.

P.S The shipping and handling for that damn toy car was a bitch so you better take good care of it.