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letter to my 19 year old shy and introverted self

hey lovely

so you have a crush? Lol and it’s killing you from the inside out. I mean, what’s the difference between this guy and every other weirdo you’ve fallen in lust with? I know it sucks babe. It sucks the fricking air out your lungs. And I know you tried so hard not to let this guy get to you. Cause he was one of the ones you always kind of thought was cute. but who cares about cute? There are worlds to be seen.

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social anxiety

do you know what it feels like
when your words do not come?
when all you want to do is not be exactly where you are
how sometimes it takes hours or days
just to prepare yourself to speak

there have been times i have felt like retching
my stomach collapses and all i want to do is run away
find darkness
find solitude
away from prying eyes
away from the noise
away from the bodies
how can i live when i keep finding myself in bathroom stalls
trying to regain my composure behind locked doors
when even saying hello requires deep thought and contemplation?

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a poem for that guy in my class whose laugh is magic. (seriously guys, it’s the best). (this is not creepy at all).

i wrote a poem about the way your laugh makes the world seem lighter
seem less daunting and more liveable
your laughter makes me forget that sometimes I am sad
your laughter makes me forget I have not laughed in a long while
your laughter reverberates
it trembles
it leaves me trembling
i think of all the times I forgot how the wind felt in my hair
all those times I woke up anxious and angry
all the times I would rather lay in bed and feel nothing
the times i forgot what it was to be alive
your laugh reminds me i am alive
that life is more than things
that times are hard but living without laughter is harder
your laughter is sun beams
sitting by a warm fire on a cold night
your laughter is a baby squeezing my finger
the smell of a loved one who has finally returned home
your laughter is joy
it is wonder
it is beauty
it is life.

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“it’s like a finger pointing to the moon. dont concentrate on the finger or you will miss all that heavenly glory”

i was in class one day when i heard it
the laugh of all laughs
probably the most beautiful sound i had ever heard
pure and filled to the brim with joy
that it passed between all of us who heard it
and for a few minutes
the world didnt feel so heavy with burden

i was walking home one afternoon
lost in my own little world
thinking of all the things i had to do
you know the stuff
deadlines
bills to pay
when she smiled at me
a casual genuine smile
that travelled through space and time
and reminded me
that a smile goes a long way
and happiness is an experience
and happiness is a thought
and sometimes
the little things that happen
were actually big things in disguise

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11.53pm

It’s hard to love yourself when the world keeps telling you, you ain’t enough. Not enough make-up. Too much make-up. Too fat. Too skinny. You smile too much. You never smile.
You’re a good girl but you’re not good enough.
You wonder why you are never happy.
Some days you feel like you’re wearing your body. Some days your body is a prison you don’t want to leave.
Your refuge becomes your prison.
Most days you have to remind yourself to be strong. That it might be okay. That this is just one of those days where the never-ending sadness sees no end. Yet… hopefully.
It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be angry. It’s natural to feel this way. And it will be okay, really. But no one told you that and now you feel bad.
You built a wall around your heart but you forgot the ceiling and it’s monsoon season out here.
What were you trying to protect my beautiful and fragile creature?
Because when it comes- the pain, the lies, the disregard for your feelings, the loneliness- you feign apathy but your heart has been plastered to death.
Your human is showing.