2

distraction therapy

the brain does this amazing thing
where it keeps reminding you of your pain
even when youre done
even when it’s long over
even when youre laughing with friends
or trying to finish an assignment
i tell myself to get over you
but then i remember the way you would
lift me a little off the floor when you hugged me
i tell my friends i am happy now
even though i still see your face when youre not there
and i still remember your number
even though i try hard to forget
have you ever tried telling your brain NOT to do something?
it’s like the rebellious teenager that never learns
anyways i learned the other day about distraction therapy
it’s a pain management technique
so what i do is this
i jog up a hill
and at the same time i listen to my favourite comedian
and as im basically dying
i cant stop thinking about how loud my breathing is
how much my chest hurts
and how fucking funny this guy is even tho i cant laugh
and even though it’s not the most ideal situation ever
i know ill be alright

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0

a poem for that guy in my class whose laugh is magic. (seriously guys, it’s the best). (this is not creepy at all).

i wrote a poem about the way your laugh makes the world seem lighter
seem less daunting and more liveable
your laughter makes me forget that sometimes I am sad
your laughter makes me forget I have not laughed in a long while
your laughter reverberates
it trembles
it leaves me trembling
i think of all the times I forgot how the wind felt in my hair
all those times I woke up anxious and angry
all the times I would rather lay in bed and feel nothing
the times i forgot what it was to be alive
your laugh reminds me i am alive
that life is more than things
that times are hard but living without laughter is harder
your laughter is sun beams
sitting by a warm fire on a cold night
your laughter is a baby squeezing my finger
the smell of a loved one who has finally returned home
your laughter is joy
it is wonder
it is beauty
it is life.

0

judas

many hours i have spent thinking about you
how great you are
how wonderful you are
how truly and utterly breath taken i am by you

i read about jonah the other day
and maybe there is still hope for me after all
but even solomon was broken by this world
and judas still betrayed you after all he had seen of you

was judas destined to fail long before he was born?
was he destined to walk only that path towards death?
was he never meant to make it to your kingdom?
how do i measure up Lord?
i used to think i had faith as small as a mustard seed
but my faith barely moves the leaves on a tree

because some days i need proof of you
when bad things happen
i need proof that you see what i see
i need proof that you see what i see and choose to stand watch
and i wouldnt even care that you do
because i know you have your reasons
but some days i need proof that youre here
that you just are

am i destined to be like judas?
who saw your wonders first hand
who watched you walk on water
who heard you speak
and heal the sick
who watched you feed thousands with only a handful of bread and fish
my god…
am i also destined to fail?

1

bartered and battered

i feel

lost.

and sometimes i fancy that there is someone out there
who just might find me.

but maybe im just lonely.

and that’s what i do
put up walls over an already fragile foundation.
i want to be loved but i dont want to show love.
dont you know that love is an exchange?

ive bartered my bones and my heart
just so that i might find love in myself
and now i have to start over for someone else?

4

you are

ive always been jealous of artists
i want to know what it feels like to see the world
and then recreate it on paper and earth
i want to paint a portrait of what you look like on a wednesday afternoon
but the only colours i know of are
red, blue, yellow and brown
and that if you mix blue and yellow you get green
but even then it doesnt capture the ocean that is your eyes
i want to write you in words
but my vocabulary is only limited to words like
beauty, lust and butterflies
i want to recreate your very essence
in words and pictures and music and film
there’s not enough of you
and altogether too much of you
you are maths equations and theories of evolution
im not quite sure you exist
and if you do im not sure i understand why
but youre possible
and enigmatic
and sometimes when i think of you
those strong hands
and that wonderful laugh
i know a joy like no other

1

sorry

there are days all i do is berate myself
tease my skin with knives
and let people tell me what i cannot do
there are days i will stare at myself in the mirror
and curse and pick at all my flaws
wish i were smarter
wish i were more organised
wish my hair were thicker
my hips wider
my arms thinner
wish i were more motivated
wish i were more like other girls
wish i loved myself
wish i were happier

some days it’s hard to keep my head above water
i find myself struggling with
loving myself
and hating the way i am
im so tired
of this constant internal war

this morning i woke up
i looked in the mirror
and i saw a sad lonely girl
this beautiful strong woman
who has survived and lived
after every goddanged thought
that she could not make it through another day

2

forgetting you

This hurts
I would rather be dragged by my hair naked across a carpark of rocks than feel this again
I want to purge you from my body
Wash my hands, these tired fingers, scrub my skin raw of you
I haven’t seen you in fifteen days
And it is true what they say
That absence makes the heart grow fonder
Im so tired
So sad and tired
I want to take back all my smiles
All my time that I had with you
I want my tears and my warm arms
I want my laughs back and my blankets
I want my stories and my songs back
I want your name scratched off all my belongings
I don’t even remember why I loved the things I loved before I loved you
I cant even be alone with my thoughts without thinking of you anymore
I see you in every corner
Smell you in my clothes
Is there an exorcism for this kind of thing?
And after all these years I finally know the answer
if it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all
And I don’t care what people say
But id rather never love at all