distraction therapy

the brain does this amazing thing
where it keeps reminding you of your pain
even when youre done
even when it’s long over
even when youre laughing with friends
or trying to finish an assignment
i tell myself to get over you
but then i remember the way you would
lift me a little off the floor when you hugged me
i tell my friends i am happy now
even though i still see your face when youre not there
and i still remember your number
even though i try hard to forget
have you ever tried telling your brain NOT to do something?
it’s like the rebellious teenager that never learns
anyways i learned the other day about distraction therapy
it’s a pain management technique
so what i do is this
i jog up a hill
and at the same time i listen to my favourite comedian
and as im basically dying
i cant stop thinking about how loud my breathing is
how much my chest hurts
and how fucking funny this guy is even tho i cant laugh
and even though it’s not the most ideal situation ever
i know ill be alright



yesterday after lunch i thought
“wow. i havent thought about you since I woke up”
which made me think of you again
sometimes i hate myself

i still have some of your clothes
and sometimes i listen to your favourite songs
i dont know why i do
but i cant have you owning music
i dont want to feel you when i walk past our favourite places
i dont want to see your face when i think of our favourite things
maybe we have to experience this pain to be free
my god do i want to be free

i wrote a list of all the reasons why i loved you
and after writing it i cried for a long time
so i wrote a list of reasons of why i love myself
and it made me cry even more
i wrote a list of all “our” things
and i decided that i would give it back to the world

but most of the time i cry
and when im not crying i feel like crying
last week i burned the journal i had when i was with you
i thought it would help
as the paper curled and blackened in the flames
i promised myself this would be my last letter to you



im happy for you
(what else is there to be?)
because im tired of this bitterness
this clawing in my gut
this heaviness i feel in my heart that only comes from loving someone
and there is nothing left to do but accept that youve gone away
and i realise now that i gave too much of myself to you
gave my body and mind to you so eagerly
i dont want to grow old with these regrets
that are already pulling my mouth into a frown
and creating pillows of sorrow under my eyes
i used to believe i was broken
and somehow you were my saviour
and maybe it was my fault for believing that
i am not broken
and i dont need fixing
but you did make my life so much more tolerable
and im not sorry because it was good while it lasted
its time to move on now
and if i cant take you from this experience then i take this:

i am not a half
and i dont need anyone to make me whole