not sure if im okay but im okay with that. i think.

there is a sort of beauty in chaos
an art to the sadness
a rhythm to the way my chest thumps and my heart rate increases double the rate in half the time
sometimes i find it hard to breathe
and the doctor says my chest pain is from anxiety
and now im afraid that i will die of a heart attack
and i hear that people who are afraid of dying of a heart attack
usually do
and now i am a bundle of nerves
pretending that i am okay
master of okayness
i try to ignore the impending feelings of doom and go to my happy place
i must admit i am not coping well
and i will go to church because it makes me feel more alive
than drinking alcohol or speeding down a lonely highway
i want to feel alive so much
i sometimes forget to live and my back aches and i try and sit in my backyard a bit more
especially early in the morning when the frost and the crispness is resting
and there is no noise and no one is awake and no one can touch me and only god can hear my rapid breathing
life has a way of making everything heavy
everything feels so heavy and intense and i know it cant always be like this
cause sometimes shit too heavy
but i will cope
and i will deal
cause what else is there to do?
im not ready to die yet


distraction therapy

the brain does this amazing thing
where it keeps reminding you of your pain
even when youre done
even when it’s long over
even when youre laughing with friends
or trying to finish an assignment
i tell myself to get over you
but then i remember the way you would
lift me a little off the floor when you hugged me
i tell my friends i am happy now
even though i still see your face when youre not there
and i still remember your number
even though i try hard to forget
have you ever tried telling your brain NOT to do something?
it’s like the rebellious teenager that never learns
anyways i learned the other day about distraction therapy
it’s a pain management technique
so what i do is this
i jog up a hill
and at the same time i listen to my favourite comedian
and as im basically dying
i cant stop thinking about how loud my breathing is
how much my chest hurts
and how fucking funny this guy is even tho i cant laugh
and even though it’s not the most ideal situation ever
i know ill be alright


letter to my 19 year old shy and introverted self

hey lovely

so you have a crush? Lol and it’s killing you from the inside out. I mean, what’s the difference between this guy and every other weirdo you’ve fallen in lust with? I know it sucks babe. It sucks the fricking air out your lungs. And I know you tried so hard not to let this guy get to you. Cause he was one of the ones you always kind of thought was cute. but who cares about cute? There are worlds to be seen.

Continue reading


note to self

i imagine you in her arms and i have a tidal wave as a stomach
i just have to remember
that i knew happiness before i met you
and i will know happiness now that i have left you
it’s just
some nights i find myself missing you
and i fill this empty space in my bed
with thoughts of you
and the memory of your voice
like rock against gravel
seems to shatter the silence of the night
but then the ache subsides
and maybe it was because opposites attract
but in the end we werent so different after all
in the end
we bled each other dry
trying to believe what we had was love



many hours i have spent thinking about you
how great you are
how wonderful you are
how truly and utterly breath taken i am by you

i read about jonah the other day
and maybe there is still hope for me after all
but even solomon was broken by this world
and judas still betrayed you after all he had seen of you

was judas destined to fail long before he was born?
was he destined to walk only that path towards death?
was he never meant to make it to your kingdom?
how do i measure up Lord?
i used to think i had faith as small as a mustard seed
but my faith barely moves the leaves on a tree

because some days i need proof of you
when bad things happen
i need proof that you see what i see
i need proof that you see what i see and choose to stand watch
and i wouldnt even care that you do
because i know you have your reasons
but some days i need proof that youre here
that you just are

am i destined to be like judas?
who saw your wonders first hand
who watched you walk on water
who heard you speak
and heal the sick
who watched you feed thousands with only a handful of bread and fish
my god…
am i also destined to fail?


bartered and battered

i feel


and sometimes i fancy that there is someone out there
who just might find me.

but maybe im just lonely.

and that’s what i do
put up walls over an already fragile foundation.
i want to be loved but i dont want to show love.
dont you know that love is an exchange?

ive bartered my bones and my heart
just so that i might find love in myself
and now i have to start over for someone else?


you are

ive always been jealous of artists
i want to know what it feels like to see the world
and then recreate it on paper and earth
i want to paint a portrait of what you look like on a wednesday afternoon
but the only colours i know of are
red, blue, yellow and brown
and that if you mix blue and yellow you get green
but even then it doesnt capture the ocean that is your eyes
i want to write you in words
but my vocabulary is only limited to words like
beauty, lust and butterflies
i want to recreate your very essence
in words and pictures and music and film
there’s not enough of you
and altogether too much of you
you are maths equations and theories of evolution
im not quite sure you exist
and if you do im not sure i understand why
but youre possible
and enigmatic
and sometimes when i think of you
those strong hands
and that wonderful laugh
i know a joy like no other