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im so tired/when life gives you lots of lemons but it’s too much/when life is good but you are trash

i pull myself apart every couple of weeks
if im lucky it will take a couple of months
it is not beautiful or romantic
i cant wish it away with a hot chocolate and my favourite tv show
although that would be a nice change
rather
it is dirty and disgusting
and gut wrenching
it’s the messy room with old cups of coffee
and sinks piled with last weeks dinner plates
it’s the pizza from two nights before for breakfast
it’s the long to do lists that are left untouched on the fridge
and the lying in your bed with unwashed sheets
i pull at each string of my being
not slowly and carefully either
it is quick and devastating
and im left in awe
no
i am left in denial and pain and wishing i was never born-isms
with my sanity laying about me
scattered on the ground like litter after a concert
wondering how someone as amazingly blessed as me
became this way
anxious and sad and sorry and apathetic
i feel like a wound bleeding every day
and healing every night
only to realise the next morning
i had scratched it over and over while in my dreams
i am tired
i am a loss
and i feel less than human
but at the same time relentlessly and scathingly human
i want to live
All the time
but i am always the pause button
always the ‘what if…’
always the ‘unfortunately…’
always the ‘where are they now…’
always the lonely leaf in the storm of life
and im tired
always so fucking tired
i want to feel alive
but nothing feels more alive than letting the storm take you
i am free
and mostly i am alone
and i have no control
and im just so fucking tired of having no control
im so fucking tired of understading my life in metaphors
i just want to be
and i just want to breathe while i can
and just stop thinking about where i am
and where i could have been
and stop saying and all the damn time
and just live in this catastrophic moment of life that i have
and stop believing the rains and the suns and the winds and the people can change me more than they can move me
and just accept that i am here now
that i am free
as long as i can believe that i am

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1

sorry

there are days all i do is berate myself
tease my skin with knives
and let people tell me what i cannot do
there are days i will stare at myself in the mirror
and curse and pick at all my flaws
wish i were smarter
wish i were more organised
wish my hair were thicker
my hips wider
my arms thinner
wish i were more motivated
wish i were more like other girls
wish i loved myself
wish i were happier

some days it’s hard to keep my head above water
i find myself struggling with
loving myself
and hating the way i am
im so tired
of this constant internal war

this morning i woke up
i looked in the mirror
and i saw a sad lonely girl
this beautiful strong woman
who has survived and lived
after every goddanged thought
that she could not make it through another day

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my mind is a devil in disguise

It was me against the world…

wasn’t it??????!!!
All the broken promises
All the late nights wishing you were all the things you weren’t
The silent tears
Clutching your stomach in the corner of your dark room
The days you couldn’t even look at yourself in the mirror
..because you were afraid you wouldn’t recognise the girl staring back
All the excuses you made for the people who hurt you.

But what about you?
All those excuses you made for yourself
Who did you think you were fooling?
All this time you were looking for the devil
When the devil was every single lie
Every single hurt you held
Every single empty promise
When you couldn’t let go of the pain
When you wouldn’t let go of the pain
And so you burned
And what for?

You burned for nothing.
NOTHING.
You held the answer. You had the truth.
It’s true what they say of ignorance
And the mind is a fickle thing.
Slick and fiery it is.
Filled with dreams and lies
And like a man cornered
You surrendered…

But to what?
And at what cost?

0

Blank Stares

I don’t know why it happened
I’m not even sure when it happened
This darkness…
It’s become a part of my soul
This soulful, crying-for-no-particular-reason sadness
is not just a pain anymore
It has become a part of me
I am the sadness
I am the darkness I tried to run from
I’ve wanted to die since I was 18
And it’s been a long time since I recognised
The girl in the mirror
And it’s been a long time
since I heard myself laugh
And it’s been a long time
since I cared about my happiness
I feigned apathy
Until it became all I knew

0

Staring in Wonder at the Sky

All I see is a dark blanket
Sprinkled with tiny holes of bright lights
And I wonder how tiny we must seem to you
You see chaos
And a world falling apart
Crumbling between your fingers
Do you cry? I wonder
Do you shake your head at us?
As a tear rolls down your magnificent face
Do you wonder why?
Why do my people hurt themselves?
Why do my people cry themselves to sleep?
Why are my people hurting?
Do you hear our cries for help anymore?
It’s hard to see You through my own tears
Even harder to hear You through my screams
And sometimes when I look into the sky
All I see is darkness
And all I feel is pain
All I feel is the quiet of my loneliness
And that’s the problem with darkness
It’s blinding
And although at night
when I look at the vastness of the dark
And I feel alone
I have the moon
I have the sun
But most days I choose to forget

3

11.53pm

It’s hard to love yourself when the world keeps telling you, you ain’t enough. Not enough make-up. Too much make-up. Too fat. Too skinny. You smile too much. You never smile.
You’re a good girl but you’re not good enough.
You wonder why you are never happy.
Some days you feel like you’re wearing your body. Some days your body is a prison you don’t want to leave.
Your refuge becomes your prison.
Most days you have to remind yourself to be strong. That it might be okay. That this is just one of those days where the never-ending sadness sees no end. Yet… hopefully.
It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be angry. It’s natural to feel this way. And it will be okay, really. But no one told you that and now you feel bad.
You built a wall around your heart but you forgot the ceiling and it’s monsoon season out here.
What were you trying to protect my beautiful and fragile creature?
Because when it comes- the pain, the lies, the disregard for your feelings, the loneliness- you feign apathy but your heart has been plastered to death.
Your human is showing.