im so tired/when life gives you lots of lemons but it’s too much/when life is good but you are trash

i pull myself apart every couple of weeks
if im lucky it will take a couple of months
it is not beautiful or romantic
i cant wish it away with a hot chocolate and my favourite tv show
although that would be a nice change
it is dirty and disgusting
and gut wrenching
it’s the messy room with old cups of coffee
and sinks piled with last weeks dinner plates
it’s the pizza from two nights before for breakfast
it’s the long to do lists that are left untouched on the fridge
and the lying in your bed with unwashed sheets
i pull at each string of my being
not slowly and carefully either
it is quick and devastating
and im left in awe
i am left in denial and pain and wishing i was never born-isms
with my sanity laying about me
scattered on the ground like litter after a concert
wondering how someone as amazingly blessed as me
became this way
anxious and sad and sorry and apathetic
i feel like a wound bleeding every day
and healing every night
only to realise the next morning
i had scratched it over and over while in my dreams
i am tired
i am a loss
and i feel less than human
but at the same time relentlessly and scathingly human
i want to live
All the time
but i am always the pause button
always the ‘what if…’
always the ‘unfortunately…’
always the ‘where are they now…’
always the lonely leaf in the storm of life
and im tired
always so fucking tired
i want to feel alive
but nothing feels more alive than letting the storm take you
i am free
and mostly i am alone
and i have no control
and im just so fucking tired of having no control
im so fucking tired of understading my life in metaphors
i just want to be
and i just want to breathe while i can
and just stop thinking about where i am
and where i could have been
and stop saying and all the damn time
and just live in this catastrophic moment of life that i have
and stop believing the rains and the suns and the winds and the people can change me more than they can move me
and just accept that i am here now
that i am free
as long as i can believe that i am


letter to my 19 year old shy and introverted self

hey lovely

so you have a crush? Lol and it’s killing you from the inside out. I mean, what’s the difference between this guy and every other weirdo you’ve fallen in lust with? I know it sucks babe. It sucks the fricking air out your lungs. And I know you tried so hard not to let this guy get to you. Cause he was one of the ones you always kind of thought was cute. but who cares about cute? There are worlds to be seen.

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note to self after a rough day in the real world

It’s gonna be okay. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even next week… but it will get better, you just gotta wait out the storm a little. Maybe clean a little here. Nail some boards up over there.

You had a bad day today. Cry if you have to. Let it out. Then keep going. You feel how you feel and how you feel is okay. But just know that over-feeling with feels can be bad for your health. Just like chocolate, sadly.

You are the best at being you. And you are brilliant. Even the dishes sparkle for you.

Don’t take criticism too harshly, dear. Even steelo can damage steel pots. Be gentle with yourself. You are worth it. Maybelline.

Admit you were wrong and take it as a lesson learned. White lies are like diet pepsi’s and coke zeros. Everyone pretends that it’s a ‘healthier’ choice. Be water man, be the water.

Listen!! With your ears… and also your eyes. Hips don’t lie.

Let go of the baggage. Life is an adventure.

If you are not sure, ask. Don’t assume. When you assume, you make an ASS out of U and ME man.