0

im so tired/when life gives you lots of lemons but it’s too much/when life is good but you are trash

i pull myself apart every couple of weeks
if im lucky it will take a couple of months
it is not beautiful or romantic
i cant wish it away with a hot chocolate and my favourite tv show
although that would be a nice change
rather
it is dirty and disgusting
and gut wrenching
it’s the messy room with old cups of coffee
and sinks piled with last weeks dinner plates
it’s the pizza from two nights before for breakfast
it’s the long to do lists that are left untouched on the fridge
and the lying in your bed with unwashed sheets
i pull at each string of my being
not slowly and carefully either
it is quick and devastating
and im left in awe
no
i am left in denial and pain and wishing i was never born-isms
with my sanity laying about me
scattered on the ground like litter after a concert
wondering how someone as amazingly blessed as me
became this way
anxious and sad and sorry and apathetic
i feel like a wound bleeding every day
and healing every night
only to realise the next morning
i had scratched it over and over while in my dreams
i am tired
i am a loss
and i feel less than human
but at the same time relentlessly and scathingly human
i want to live
All the time
but i am always the pause button
always the ‘what if…’
always the ‘unfortunately…’
always the ‘where are they now…’
always the lonely leaf in the storm of life
and im tired
always so fucking tired
i want to feel alive
but nothing feels more alive than letting the storm take you
i am free
and mostly i am alone
and i have no control
and im just so fucking tired of having no control
im so fucking tired of understading my life in metaphors
i just want to be
and i just want to breathe while i can
and just stop thinking about where i am
and where i could have been
and stop saying and all the damn time
and just live in this catastrophic moment of life that i have
and stop believing the rains and the suns and the winds and the people can change me more than they can move me
and just accept that i am here now
that i am free
as long as i can believe that i am

0

social anxiety part two

your silence is irritating
i wish you would speak
open your lungs
expand your chest
and just speak
your silence is deafening
your silence is loud
it is awkward
it is apprehensive
you think you shrink into the corner of the room
but your silence only highlights your presence
even your eyes are loud with questions
your fingers twitch with exhaustion and suggestions
but your mouth
it remains still
and your mouth remains quiet
your throat is a graveyard of words
that even you leave flowers for

0

note to self

i imagine you in her arms and i have a tidal wave as a stomach
i just have to remember
that i knew happiness before i met you
and i will know happiness now that i have left you
it’s just
some nights i find myself missing you
and i fill this empty space in my bed
with thoughts of you
and the memory of your voice
like rock against gravel
seems to shatter the silence of the night
but then the ache subsides
and maybe it was because opposites attract
but in the end we werent so different after all
in the end
we bled each other dry
trying to believe what we had was love

0

counting

ive been counting down the days
till i stop missing you
i keep tricking myself into thinking im happier without you
but then it’s 11.38am and i remember the way your eyes looked when you were thinking
it’s 8.29pm and i remember the way you would rub your head when someone asked you a question
or im laughing with friends and i think of you
sitting alone with a beer in your hand watching basketall
or it’s 3 oclock on a saturday afternoon
and i picture you climbing the goat track
or it’s 4.44am and i remember watching you study
and i remember how tired your eyes looked
and how sometimes you just smelled of coffee
im not one to believe in superstitions
wishing on stars
or walking under ladders
but every time i see the clock strike 11:11
i find myself hoping
and praying you will find me again

1

sorry

there are days all i do is berate myself
tease my skin with knives
and let people tell me what i cannot do
there are days i will stare at myself in the mirror
and curse and pick at all my flaws
wish i were smarter
wish i were more organised
wish my hair were thicker
my hips wider
my arms thinner
wish i were more motivated
wish i were more like other girls
wish i loved myself
wish i were happier

some days it’s hard to keep my head above water
i find myself struggling with
loving myself
and hating the way i am
im so tired
of this constant internal war

this morning i woke up
i looked in the mirror
and i saw a sad lonely girl
this beautiful strong woman
who has survived and lived
after every goddanged thought
that she could not make it through another day

0

ashes

yesterday after lunch i thought
“wow. i havent thought about you since I woke up”
which made me think of you again
sometimes i hate myself

i still have some of your clothes
and sometimes i listen to your favourite songs
i dont know why i do
but i cant have you owning music
i dont want to feel you when i walk past our favourite places
i dont want to see your face when i think of our favourite things
maybe we have to experience this pain to be free
my god do i want to be free

i wrote a list of all the reasons why i loved you
and after writing it i cried for a long time
so i wrote a list of reasons of why i love myself
and it made me cry even more
i wrote a list of all “our” things
and i decided that i would give it back to the world

but most of the time i cry
and when im not crying i feel like crying
last week i burned the journal i had when i was with you
i thought it would help
as the paper curled and blackened in the flames
i promised myself this would be my last letter to you

3

residue

im happy for you
(what else is there to be?)
because im tired of this bitterness
this clawing in my gut
this heaviness i feel in my heart that only comes from loving someone
and there is nothing left to do but accept that youve gone away
and i realise now that i gave too much of myself to you
gave my body and mind to you so eagerly
i dont want to grow old with these regrets
that are already pulling my mouth into a frown
and creating pillows of sorrow under my eyes
i used to believe i was broken
and somehow you were my saviour
and maybe it was my fault for believing that
i am not broken
and i dont need fixing
but you did make my life so much more tolerable
and im not sorry because it was good while it lasted
its time to move on now
and if i cant take you from this experience then i take this:

i am not a half
and i dont need anyone to make me whole