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note to self

i imagine you in her arms and i have a tidal wave as a stomach
i just have to remember
that i knew happiness before i met you
and i will know happiness now that i have left you
it’s just
some nights i find myself missing you
and i fill this empty space in my bed
with thoughts of you
and the memory of your voice
like rock against gravel
seems to shatter the silence of the night
but then the ache subsides
and maybe it was because opposites attract
but in the end we werent so different after all
in the end
we bled each other dry
trying to believe what we had was love

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social anxiety

do you know what it feels like
when your words do not come?
when all you want to do is not be exactly where you are
how sometimes it takes hours or days
just to prepare yourself to speak

there have been times i have felt like retching
my stomach collapses and all i want to do is run away
find darkness
find solitude
away from prying eyes
away from the noise
away from the bodies
how can i live when i keep finding myself in bathroom stalls
trying to regain my composure behind locked doors
when even saying hello requires deep thought and contemplation?

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a poem for that guy in my class whose laugh is magic. (seriously guys, it’s the best). (this is not creepy at all).

i wrote a poem about the way your laugh makes the world seem lighter
seem less daunting and more liveable
your laughter makes me forget that sometimes I am sad
your laughter makes me forget I have not laughed in a long while
your laughter reverberates
it trembles
it leaves me trembling
i think of all the times I forgot how the wind felt in my hair
all those times I woke up anxious and angry
all the times I would rather lay in bed and feel nothing
the times i forgot what it was to be alive
your laugh reminds me i am alive
that life is more than things
that times are hard but living without laughter is harder
your laughter is sun beams
sitting by a warm fire on a cold night
your laughter is a baby squeezing my finger
the smell of a loved one who has finally returned home
your laughter is joy
it is wonder
it is beauty
it is life.

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“it’s like a finger pointing to the moon. dont concentrate on the finger or you will miss all that heavenly glory”

i was in class one day when i heard it
the laugh of all laughs
probably the most beautiful sound i had ever heard
pure and filled to the brim with joy
that it passed between all of us who heard it
and for a few minutes
the world didnt feel so heavy with burden

i was walking home one afternoon
lost in my own little world
thinking of all the things i had to do
you know the stuff
deadlines
bills to pay
when she smiled at me
a casual genuine smile
that travelled through space and time
and reminded me
that a smile goes a long way
and happiness is an experience
and happiness is a thought
and sometimes
the little things that happen
were actually big things in disguise

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im not apologising for being a feminist

i feel like i just need to get these thoughts out of my head… which have been quite dormant until i was trying to find beyonces vma performance anywhere and only came to articles and news videos. i generally dont like to read youtube comments, or any kind of commentary when it comes to a few of my favourite artists in the music industry (because, well… have a look for yourself)…(most notably beyonce, rihanna and nicki minaj- i hold these ladies in high respect because theyre not only pretty great at what they do but they are wonderfully unapologetic about their image)

so. beyonce is a feminist. you know who cares? feminists, some of her fans.. and ALL those who are OBVIOUSLY not. first of all. beyonce is NOT the spokesperson for feminists… nor has she said she is one. she aint perfect (as much as it hurts me to say). even i cant excuse the whole ‘anna mae’ business.

which begs the question… what is a feminist?

yes we know the dictionary definition: feminist- a male/female who believes in the social, political and economic equality of the sexes. i really cant bold that enough.

but do we really understand that?

i think it’s important to define what feminism is to me. feminism is a positive social change towards a world that is less prejudiced against women; feminism is about empowerment. misogyny, though not always a conscious hate is really quite engrained in our way of thinking. i will advocate for women where i can and as im me, this generally means that i will educate those who dont understand what feminism is and call out those shitting on it (tho im not going to argue with lost causes).

a few weeks ago, i was chillin with one of my mates and he saw a girl wearing whatever she was wearing and he says, ‘now she’s just asking to be raped’…

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insecurities

you were the one who said we had nothing in common
but sometimes you dont realise how close you are to the fire
until youre burning
sometimes you teased my quiet, my brooding
you would say
why so seriousss?
and most of the time
i would just smile in return and shrug
you didnt know
how could you?
your parents loved each other
and never argued in front of you
but you made me laugh
god ive never laughed so hard
then youd say things like
youre the most beautiful woman in the world
and id just get mad at you
and that one time you told me
ill love you enough for the both of us
because you knew didnt you
i never wanted you to save me
and i never asked for you to stay
it was never my intention to hurt you
but still we both got burned by the flames