not sure if im okay but im okay with that. i think.

there is a sort of beauty in chaos
an art to the sadness
a rhythm to the way my chest thumps and my heart rate increases double the rate in half the time
sometimes i find it hard to breathe
and the doctor says my chest pain is from anxiety
and now im afraid that i will die of a heart attack
and i hear that people who are afraid of dying of a heart attack
usually do
and now i am a bundle of nerves
pretending that i am okay
master of okayness
i try to ignore the impending feelings of doom and go to my happy place
i must admit i am not coping well
and i will go to church because it makes me feel more alive
than drinking alcohol or speeding down a lonely highway
i want to feel alive so much
i sometimes forget to live and my back aches and i try and sit in my backyard a bit more
especially early in the morning when the frost and the crispness is resting
and there is no noise and no one is awake and no one can touch me and only god can hear my rapid breathing
life has a way of making everything heavy
everything feels so heavy and intense and i know it cant always be like this
cause sometimes shit too heavy
but i will cope
and i will deal
cause what else is there to do?
im not ready to die yet

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